Posts Tagged ‘humour’

“Just agree with me or remain in the wrong”


29 Jan

A colleague came up to me the other day. He had devised a devilish plan and needed my support to endorse it.  I would later learn that my endorsement was needed for a far sinister plan, one which would eclipse all others and make them seem like Vinicola’s Port Wine in front of French Pinot Noir.

On another note why is it that the people that don’t know what the duck (word masked with rhyming alternative) they are talking about always have the most to say? From my perspective, one needs a brain to have a thought.

I digress.

Coming back to the point, a friend of ours was in a relationship and was planning to get his beau something really nice for Valentine’s Day. He was as confused as how Venkatesh Prasad would be at the WACA in Perth. Eager to make the right moves in a budding relationship, he approached his friends to suggest the perfect gift for his girl. After some deliberation he thought of buying a Digital Photo Frame.

Don’t ask why.

This colleague of mine was probably his best friend and suggested that he reconsider his decision of buying a Digital Photo Frame. He opined that this gift would be as useless as a Comb for a Bald man or a Mic for Manmohan Singh. He was so confident that this was a crappy gift that he dared him to buy it. The consequence of not listening to him could be grave. The colleague even warned him of telling his girlfriend about the gift even before he bought it. The reason – She would hate such a gift and it would probably harm their relationship. Clearly, he was in the developmental stages of maturity and probably should have been carrying a Board on his chest which said “Bear with me! I’m under construction

A Digital Photo Frame might not appear like a great choice but the friend would know better and it really should be left to this friend to decide what’s best. Somehow this colleague had got lies and Gorilla Glue mixed up and his story fell apart. When we met during a Tea break, he recounted his horror of receiving a similar gift from his ex-girlfriend a while ago (1969?), which caused a lot of pain and anguish. So much so that he initiated a campaign against gifting of Digital Photo Frames. The friend, however, was showing no signs of letting up and was dead set on getting what he wanted. Fearing that this friend would buy the Photo Frame anyway, the colleague decided to raise the stakes and issued a veiled threat. What ensued was no less than the botched up “Mahabharat” play sequence from the classic Hindi comedy movie – “Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron”. Standing at the sidelines, I had the ringside view of the comedy show, as it unfurled. I ended up asking myself – “Yeh sab kya ho raha hai bhai?

However, it was no fun. Trust me.

True to his word, or should we say, ‘threat’ – our colleague spills the beans. Resultantly, words were spoken; actions were taken but just short of Blood being spilt. The friend was forced to buy a set of her favorite Books instead. Our colleague got what “he” wanted. The friend was distastefully forced to change “his” choice and in all this no one bothered to ask the girl how she felt about being given Books instead of a Digital Photo Frame.

I continued to stand by and watch things happen until now. I finally mustered the courage to write this post. I feel so proud.

How to trick your boss into believing you are sick!


23 Feb

Ever had a day when you just don’t feel like going to work? I am sure we all have had such day(s). The “s” added to “day” is directly correlated to the amount of motivation you have to go to work. Ah! Management jargon. How much do those MBA buggers from fancy institutes pay to get an education and then get paid ten times that amount? That was a rhetorical question, by the way. Monday especially can be a challenging day. Tuesdays, as you all know, can be terrible for work. You can sometimes blame Monday on Sunday, and at times Wednesday does offer some mid-week relief. Tuesday is when all the stuff you didn’t do on Monday comes back and kicks you in the nuts. Ouch. Obviously, the first need would be to ascertain your level of motivation to go to work, because the subject should only be attempted if certain criteria are fulfilled. All this while, if you struggle to deliver value to your clients and exceed your office KRA’s and therefore need to call in sick, please refer to the Table below:

Condition

Suggested Action

 You get up and feel worse than Chetan Sharma after having been hit for a Six on the last ball by Javed Miandad in Sharjah. Sigh! Still hurts. 

Use this post to identify a suitable excuse to skip work

 You wake up and feel like a child in a topless Bar 

Somehow drag yourself to office. You still stand a chance to make things work.

 You wake up and feel like Anil Kapoor just about to win an Oscar for his “special edition” role in “Mission Impossible 4” 

Don’t fret and just get your ass to office

 You wake up and look at some list of CEO’s and don’t find your bloody name on it. 

Try to play a sport which seems like the illegitimate love child of French cricket and badminton to get over the depression.

 You wake up and feel like a Goat which has been sexually molested by lesser humans. 

Attempt self-immolation

Once you have ascertained that you need to skip work for reasons best known to your:

(a) Girlfriend / Boyfriend
(b) Wife / Hubby
(c) Other friends
(d) A & C
(e) B & C or
(f) All of the above

Under extremely rare circumstances, there could be an option A & B which is even more rare than India defeating the Eastern Lions Soccer Club Melbourne. Therefore it has been omitted.

Anyway, for you folks I can suggest a good and easy way to trick your boss into believing that you are dying of a tropical disease that you picked up on your visit to Zaire in Africa and the subsequent close interaction with tribal women. Or something like that. Now you can move to the next bit. This is where it gets real tricky so please read every line closely.

Dealing with those snobbish, pompous, chauvinistic, income-tax-evading, anti-social, capitalist, monarchist bosses could be as tough as throwing Marbles accurately at the power switch of your brand new Home Theater System from a distance of 30 meters.

Let’s explore some techniques which you could consider using:

The Telephone Technique

Warning! This technique comes with the added disadvantage of having to face the Bull by the Horns over the Phone. Firstly, you need to ensure that you sound sick enough to fool your boss into thinking that you are sounding sick enough to be unable to come to work. Deliberately coughing while talking can make you sound stupid enough for the issue being taken as a landmark case study in the field of “How to sound stupid in front of your boss”. Beware. Some bosses would give you the, “If-u-can-make-a-call-you-can-make-it-to-work” excuse. If you ever face this situation, do not hesitate to use this technique. The key in this technique is to sound like someone with a bad throat infection simultaneously sneezing, coughing, belching and then suffocating to death while sitting in an ancient auto-rickshaw. Which suddenly explodes. For added pleasure…err…sorry…impact, you can also pretend to expectorate which is sure to bring the conversation to a premature end. Matter close.

The “Family Ball” Technique

<disclaimer starts> This technique hasn’t been tried and tested yet so please undertake such a technique at your own risk </disclaimer over>.

This technique needs to be followed with a great degree of caution. If done incorrectly, it can lead to severe family problems. Firstly you would need to locate a Cork ball. Having done that, find someone who can bowl faster than Venkatesh Prasad and get him (or her) to bowl at you at feverish pace from a distance of just 11 yards. Now, ensure you get in the way of the ball and it hits you in the crotch. This should ideally induce shooting pain and render you almost incapable of speaking or doing anything much for the next 15 minutes. During this time, locate a phone and quickly call your boss (I know. I told you this is tough) The agonising pain and discomfort will make you sound extremely sick and miserable. Bam! Job done! Now find a quiet spot to recuperate from the blow to your dignity.

The ES EM ES Technique

This technique, although preferable isn’t recommended. Preferable, because it gives you freedom from speaking with the boss, on the phone. You can just send a message to your boss giving an excuse of being sick. Therefore, you needn’t worry about how miserable you sound. The key is to ensure the “text message” (called SMS in India, despite SMS being the actual ‘Short Messaging Service’ through which messages are delivered), creates an image of discomfort on your part in the mind of your boss. However, if your boss is smart, he is likely to say “Abe Saale Paandu!” using a word I chose to cleverly mask using a rhyming alternative. This method could lead to disastrous ‘end-of-the-world’ consequences as your Boss could transmogrify into a foul-mouthed, lewd & licentious madman, on your return.

The Cheap Shot Technique

This method is downright cheap and smacks of poor moral values and outright indecency. And that’s why it’s so popular. This is when you ask your mother/father/wife/sister/niece/nephew/uncle/aunty or any such person to call up your boss and say that you wouldn’t be able to come in to work. This comes with its own risk. If caught by your boss, you may be forced to start a new life as a Garbage Bin Archivist in some faraway place without a proper office (Antarctica?) under an assumed name (Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas?)

In terms of execution, the “The Family Ball Technique” is rated 5-Stars (self-root-canal procedure using a pencil) whereas the “The Cheap Shot Technique” is rated 1-Star (Bishop Cottons Girls Primary School). Obviously, 5 being the highest and 1 being the lowest on a difficulty scale. Once you try and succeed at your chosen method, ensure you have a hearty laugh, but only in private.

Tip: Upon your return to work, try to look like your face has been designed in MS Paint by a one-eyed man who also happens to be colour-blind. Blindfolded. It works!

Domain – Decorus

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